I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
