it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
