I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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