Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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