he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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