Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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