I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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