I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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