Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
