DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
