he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I checked into jail on foursquare
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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