Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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