You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize