I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
