Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
