I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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