I think I died a long time ago.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize