i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
