Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
