So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
