she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
