You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
