i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
