I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
