she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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