last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Sober January is a disaster.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
