Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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