On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
