mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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