If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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