You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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