Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
