you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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