And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
