The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I FOUND THE LEGS
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
