Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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