the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
