I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
