She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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