is your mom at the bar?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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