Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
