I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
false alarm. still invincible.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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