too bad you live with your parents still
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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