tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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