remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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