May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
