Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
