My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
now i know why i became what i already was.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
