if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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