The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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