I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
