fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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