I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We have started to decorate penises.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
