Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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