I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Princesses don't give blow jobs
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
