So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
